Living a lie or telling the truth. Which is harder

Hiya everyone,
Its Monday the 28th of April and im now one week away from living and working as Kim full time. When I say full time, I mean I live my life outside of work as Kimberley. And now just need to work as female too.

I am so much happier already. I no longer feel I need to run with the wolves and know that working as female I can be myself. No longer having to live the life as Jackie and Hyde.

I cant wait but at the same time im nervous. Not so about being Kimberley but how people will react. To me being Kim is being myself and I have been Kim for years but other people only know Glyn and well Im just a bit apprehensive.

But this is where I need to be strong as most of my life I have done what’s expected of me. Living how I should as a man. And not putting myself first.

I would however like to say a huge thank you to so many people and If I list them then im sure I would miss a couple of people. But from the emails to phone calls and even people coming in to see me and wishing me well and being supportive. I have been overwhelmed and I even had some beautiful flowers sent to me which left me speechless.

I am so lucky to have not colleagues, customers or suppliers, but people I can call friends around me. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I am able to finally live my life and im so positive towards the future. I mean Im going on holiday in June and I can be myself not the drunk unhappy man I have been before. Im looking forward to summer bbq’s and I know its a long way off but Christmas and just looking forward to living life in general.

I must write more on this blog and keep you all up to date its been so long since I wrote anything here. Thank you also for the interest in my book. I have made a few steps in the direction of publishing but its still a work in progress.

Take care, and thank you to everyone. You have made me feel I can do this with people that know me and care for me rather than run away and start a new life in a new envoirment with strangers.

Thank you, Hugs,
Kimberley x

Its Saturaday the 29th of March. This week is a huge week for me as everyone i work with finds out about Kimberley. My family already know as do my close friends. But for people i work with and customers i serve even the ones i only speak to on the phone will now find out that im really a woman inside and soon the outside will match.

Let me start from the begining on how this phase has come about.

I changed my name and title last May 2007, and have changed my documents gradually. So long story short i sent my driving licence of to be changed and within days of having my new licence, Sh my manager asked to see my licence in order to send it off as proof for company insurance.

I quickly phoned Tr and said OMG what am i going to do now...... She said tell Sh.

I had every intention of handing my notice in before telling everyone. I mean i was going to tell them soon after, but felt i needed to concentrate on myself. So therfore a clean sheet for me to move my life forward. But this, wow, i mean its right here in front of everyone (Tr says its like a Goldfish Bowl). So with Tr's help and with everything crossed we wrote a letter to Sh enclosing my Kimberley Licence explaining that I'm a transsexual. That was the Thursday night and I had to take Tr to hospital the next day. Then on Saturday I was booked to work with Sh it was busy but we talked and he said he wouldnt say anything to anyone but he would need to speak to To our MD. Sh is a man of his word and has helped me in so many ways which is explanined later in my book, so i completley trusted him.

Sh had the monday off so I had to wait until Tuesday (OMG the pressure was enormouse) When Sh and I got to have a talk he said we were going to see To on wednesday morning. Wednesday morning arrived and we headed to To office to discuss things. Sh and i chatted during the 45min journey and again he was a tower of strength and more than that he is also a very good friend. To is also someone i respect and im not just saying this because he is my Boss, he is very fair and understanding. We met and the meeting was very positive and with the full backing from Lo, To said that you have run from nothing else in your life.... Why run from this... this rang true to me..

We formed a plan to tell the two staff An and De in the office on Wednesday 2nd April with everyone else to follow shortly. So here we are everythings sorted, well set out to a plan, but you know what they say about best laid plans and I'm still waiting for the sky to fall!!

I have shared a small part of my book with you which is to give a slight understanding how i arrived at such a big decision.

I will not be posting anymore of my book as i have had some interest in getting it published and then of course they start talking about film rights ( as if this would ever happen lol ) But in order to keep this an option open. I can not post any more of my book.....

But i will keep you updated with my progress.

Hold on tight,

Kimberley x.

Around the age of 26 to 30 I turned to drink quite bad and would go drinking with Se. If im really honest here I have used drink to hid away or be something im not all the time. Even if I was visiting a family gathering or friends I would drink and drink until I felt like laughing and joking with everyone. So even if it was a family gathering in the afternoon I would feel like a drink. Don’t get me wrong I have always portrayed a happy go lucky outlook on life and I can project that happiness if I am busy say working or playing play station or just doing something. But if im not occupied then I feel like a fish out of water because I don’t know how to act, I try to talk like a guy but truth is I want to chat with the women, but then when I do join in with women chatting they talk to me like a guy which im not and well welcome to my messy world. So I would drink if im with friends or family or on my own, hence why I say I have always hid behind drink. So no longer being in a band and just in the routine of life where you wake brush teeth go to work come home shower eat your tea go to bed. Wake up brush your teeth go to work come home shower eat your tea and go to bed. Wake up brush your teeth go to work come home shower eat your tea and go to bed. I was getting depressed. I was just living for the sake of living and my drink has always been an escape from Glyn who is a lie. All my life I was running and hiding. My work was a lie my life was a lie my friends and my mum and dad I was lying to them and I wanted to quit. I no longer had my band and when I would drink I would just get even more down. I would dwell on my life and ponder that it would be easier just to die. At least then if god existed I could then be a normal woman and if he didn’t well I would be dead so I wouldn’t know.

So I would go drinking with Se, We would get very drunk and most of the time have a great night. Letting our hair down and forgetting about the world. To be fair Se was a great drinking buddy and we would sit and get drunk together many times. But I started to not go out with him because of the mental wreak I became. I’m sure he thought he had did something wrong but if your reading this Se , you have been a terrific friend and I do hope we stay that way until the end of time.

We would chat about running away to London and starting a new life. We would chat about getting Wasted back together. And how we would conquer the world. He wanted to get a 18 wheeler lorry with a flat trailer with curtains. Then rig up all the band equipment and get a driver to drive around London.

We would open the curtains on the lorry and play our music to London’s Piccadilly and all the main streets. I mean that would make the 10 o’clock news and the papers and we could get signed. But all of these ideas was left at the pub and we would stagger home. And to be honest it was all Glyn and not Kimberley I was running from my true self and would hid behind drink. To be honest if we had made it big with our band then I really don’t think I would be around now. My drinking made me a horrible person because normally I would put a smile on the world and just get on with life. And many people think that Glyn is so happy go lucky and that he is a really nice friendly guy. I am but I deep down im not, I am a broken man/woman who has never really been happy. Sure I have a wonderful wife who I love more than anything in this world but me......... really ........honestly...................
I am a failure to everyone who knows me, and the only way I can be truly happy is to become a woman which in turn means that I must destroy my marriage and ask everyone who knows me to accept me as a freak.

Lets be honest here, there is some people in this world who are fed up and miserable, I have learnt that it is the happy ones who are mostly sad inside. Because they are so sad and they try so hard to be happy and put on a act to hid there sadness. But drinking makes you realise that everything is wrong and that my life is a lie and that I will always be a man who is 6ft 2 tall with big hands and big feet and big nose. How am I ever going to pass as a woman. I may as well give up now.

And this then is fueled by more drink and more thoughts and more drink and then sad songs which believe you me, I have spent a many nights choosing songs that I think might sound ok at my funeral. So this all goes through my head and suddenly suicide becomes a good exit to a pointless life.

Suicide is a horrible word and I think there is a couple of reasons why I didn’t do it. Mainly because I have the love from T I respect her so much. Next the love of my family. But also and this has saved me a few times, because I heard a saying that if you take your life you have not only took the easy option but you have not achieved your objective or calling in life. And in doing this you have not gained to right to come back or reside in heaven. God I don’t know im sober writing this and I am still a mess. I have still got a long way to go on this journey and I try so damn hard to look the best woman I can. But im still a guy. This is where suicide becomes a thought in my head, because everything is stacked against me.

But no come on Kimberley, there is people a lot worse off than me. I mean some people have no food or water. Some people cant see the wonderful sunrise in the morning and sunset in the evening. Some people cant hear the birds or the sea lapping on the shore. And some people are transsexuals that live there life as a lie and reach 70 years old and on there death bed realise that they have never been true to them selves.

But there is no getting away from the fact when drink is involved and your low or had a row with loved ones and you have no friends when you feel alone I felt there was no point in going on. I used to sit and think of the best way to kill myself. I know that I didn’t want Treasa to find me or any of my family to find me dead so I never attempted it at home. My dad had moved job and was now working as a train yard supervisor he would tell stories of train drivers finding people laid with there neck across the lines and all the train drivers could do was apply the brake and listen for the horrible noise....., I used to think that would be a quick way to go but my head would be mashed and I would not be able to have a open coffin.

I have had times when I driving and I would think about driving straight on at a bend or straight at a wall. But knowing my luck I would survive and be paralysed. I would also walk home from a night out with drink inside me or walk home from work on a bad day and that would be sober . And I would look at the lorry speeding along the road and think about jumping in front of it. In fact when I walk along any road I think how simple life would be if I just end it right there and then. The lorry would speed past and I would stand there and think I could of, I really could of.

I would look at pills and think about taking pots full, or hold a knife in the kitchen and think about ramming it into myself. Treasa has found me laying in the main road waiting to be run over. I was so low from 2000 to 2005. Songs are also powerful things because to most people they bring happiness and can sing along, but from a early age music has been associated with anger, drink, and hate. Music can speak to people in many different ways. Even ballads that are soft and slow are mostly about life kicking you in the balls by a g/f leaving or life not going your way.

Tr would see a monster in me and as I would drink and be so angry at everything life and work and home and friends and her. I could see my life fading away and I was still a man. In fact im growing nose hair and all I have to look forward to is ear hair ughhhhhhhhh and aghhhhhhhhh I hate my life. That was my darkest time. And in 2005 enough was enough I had to seek medical advice.

But while we are on the subject of suicide. It must be mentioned that from my point of view. Being Transsexual is hard because you feel everything is against you.

Family = Because they only know you as male and when they find out, its like they don’t know you at all.
And can they even imagine what you going to look like as the opposite gender let alone accept you. And just imagine when there boy is a woman. Can they stand next to me as im being stared at and be strong enough to ignore it? Or even to be associated with me.

School = Because there is no way I could tell anyone. Everyone would find a excuse to pick on me I didn’t need to make things worse by giving them another......

Work = Because it is your income and everything needs money to go forward. Everything you have or do or want to do is related to income. So telling work is such a hard thing to do. I have always thought I would start a new job as a woman that way no one would know me as a man and therefore might be easier to accept if they had only known or met Kimberley.

Friends= Because they are friends with the person you portray and not the real you. And im asking friends to accept this change, but I guess if they cant then they never were a true friend....

Wife= Because she loves you for being a man which has a soft and more feminine and understanding side. and doesn’t see her life to be with a female. You are asking her to give up the love of her life. No longer will she be able to walk down the street hand in hand. Or along a beach and cuddle as the waves hit the shore. And most of all she will lose the man who holds her tight and safe and out of harms way. She will lose the man who holds her close in bed and so many other things. So in a sentence do I destroy my marriage???

Life = Because you will always have been a man and background. So therefore life is going to be tougher as a woman.

But I must close this chapter with something positive, if you are reading this and you are contemplating suicide. Consider this,

Life always looks tougher than it really is, those mountains are not so high with one step at a time, and people no mater what you think, can sometimes be truly amazing in there kindness. And the ones that matter are the ones that see you for the person you are and not the shell you are in.....

I beg you to be strong and see another sunrise tomorrow, don’t listen to negative words because you are a beautiful person and there are people who do respect you and do care for you. Please live your life because you have come to far to end it now. And finally, May all your birthday wishes come true.

Kimberley Tiffany Eden x

After being made redundant, I signed on the dole, I had never done this before, but in some ways I was looking forward to stepping off the rat race and slow things down. When I went to claim my dole they asked me if I have paid enough stamp duty, I couldn’t believe this as I had worked since I had left school. It turned out I did qualify for money but had to keep a dairy of the businesses I called on the phone and ones I had sent my C.V to, to show them some history of finding a job or they would stop my benefit. I couldn’t find anything suitable so I decided to go back to college and do a skills for business course.

I had always dreamed to work in a office and this seemed the perfect chance to acquire the correct skill to accomplish this. I learned Word, Spreadsheets and Bookkeeping at N.V.Q level three. And also gained a First aid certificate which lasted for three years. It wasn’t much but for six months I was starting school at 9.30am and finishing at 15.30pm it was great and being older and with older classmates I was never bullied once. I met a guy called Gra who was a care worker. We got chatting and he said, don’t let anything get in your way, you can achieve anything you want if you want it bad enough. It was refreshing to be around someone so positive.

It was quite sad when we all finished our six month course and we celebrated with a drink in a lovely village called Chapmanslade. It was funny because they have a beer garden out the back which looks onto some stunning fields. I found myself daydreaming like I did at school and it felt just like all those years ago when I left Frome College and on the last day of school we were sat in the park contemplating our future you find yourself at a junction of life where there is no straight on, just left or right. A new direction in life. But at least this time I felt more positive that I had now left those dirty factory’s and was hopefully going to work in a office.

Life was great still working at Thomson's and earning good money, being engaged it was the commitment we both needed. I was proud to have Tr as my fiancée. Years passed once again, and we set a date for the wedding for 18th September 1999 at Frome Christchurch street church which was only a five minute walk from our house.

Although we were on good money everyone lives to there means and with cars holidays and bills and sky tv, a nice big telly. We didn’t have a lot of money left for a wedding. So we planed in advance and made the wedding as beautiful and as reasonable cost wise as we could. So the church cost us 250pounds, we both wanted a church for several reasons, for me I dreamed and had dreamed of nothing else. It didn’t seemed right just to marry in a registry office. Don’t get me wrong for some people that’s perfect, but for me to make my day perfect I wanted a big church with the organ playing and Tr walking down the aisle. Ok I had thoughts through my life and dreamed what it must be like to walk down the aisle in my own white wedding dress. But as I never seen myself being a woman especially in front my family and friends and I was never jealous of Tr, I know she would look stunning when she walked down the aisle to meet me. So yes a church wedding was what I wanted.

I asked my brother to be my best man. And my friend Pa to be an usher. Pa was to usher my family and Em’s husband to usher Tr's family. So we had the church booked and the evening do. The wedding dress and bridesmaids dress was to be made by Tr and the photos, We asked Tr dad, he had a nice camera and would take the photos along with friends. The wedding cake was also baked by Tr and we iced it together. All was left was the hen and stag duo.....

Ohhh my god, Tr's hen night was to be in Bristol at the pub called The Engineer, Tr her sister Em her mum Jo and Li and Ke which was SteB brothers girlfriend and a few other friends.. Tr spent ages getting ready so with a night in home alone I decided to hire a play station game called Driver on the ps1.

Tr came down the stairs and looked fantastic, her makeup was perfect her clothes she just looked great. The car arrived and I kissed her and wished her a fantastic night. With that I settled down in my nightdress and played play station. It was a great game and I didn’t realize the time but midnight came and went and so did 2am. Then there was a knock on the door. It was Em, Tr's sister. I asked where Tr was and with that I looked out of the main door and seen her leaning up against the dinning room window being sick. She was and im not joking she was green.... She left earlier in the evening and looked so good and so sexy and just gorgeous. But then this drunk woman came home and all I could do was feel sorry for her. It was a long night but I stayed with her and she had the mother off all head aches the following day. And to this day she still does not drink, well she might drink say one on a special occasion or one now and then but nothing like that night.

Tr having dressmaking skills made her own wedding dress, which of course I was never allowed to see. And she also made the bridesmaids dress too. Em was to be our bridesmaid with Ja giving Tr away.

We hired the rugby club in Frome and all of our family was going to bake or cook something and we would have a buffet. We did hire a dj and everything was set. We also decided to have our wedding at 4pm so that we could get married and then go straight to the rugby club and party rather than having a dinner time wedding and then a afternoon meal then party. This was done purely to keep the prices down.

We invited all of our family to the wedding and band members. The only rule we had was no children. I think and this may be selfish but we are not selfish people really. But children tend to scream and play about and generally get bored at weddings. It s not their fault their kids. But it was our wedding and we wanted to savor every moment.

The night before the wedding I went to stay with my parents while Tr stayed home. Her sister came to stay with her that night. I had a few drinks with my mum and dad. It was the first night I had spent away from Tr in over five years. It was a nice night with mum and dad and we spoke of there wedding night and how nervous I was and then had more drinks and headed up to my old room with mum had made a bed up for me.

It was quite strange sleeping in my old room again. I shut the bedroom door behind me and as I heard mum and dad shut there bedroom door. Silence fell. I sat on the bed looking around the room I had grown up in. Man its funny how time passes yet stopping still for one minute in a space where so many memories are is a sobering thought.

I got up from the bed and went to the window and looked out to the night sky. Looking onto the houses and across town the same view which I prayed so hard to be a girl and the same view I would stay up and watch to see if I could catch a glimpse of Father Christmas. I cant explain how life feels for me im trapped in life with the years flying past and living and watching life unfold.

I sat back on the bed and phoned Tr to see if she was ok. She too was up with Em and having a few drinks. I knew I was doing the right thing because I love Tr with all my heart. She is a wonderful, caring, sexy , happy, beautiful woman. And I would give my life for her. I was looking forward to our wedding and spent the night knowing that I would love and do my very best to give her the best life I can give.

The following day arrived and I woke. Strange to be in bed alone waking without Tr beside me. I get dressed and go downstairs. Mum and dad are already awake and mum makes me a cup of tea as I sit in the dining room with my dad. We have a full English breakfast and that’s when I realize that we are not getting married until 4pm that’s a long way away.

I decide not to shave until a hour before because I have a five o'clock shadow I wanted to look my best for her. I had my suit and my shirt and a tie with teddy bears on it that Tr had picked for me.

After having a shave and getting dressed and going back downstairs my brother and his girlfriend Fe arrived. Everyone was looking great and I was not as nervous as I thought I would be.

We arrived at the church and a lot of people were there already. Pa was standing outside the door and we had a few pictures of me the groom and the best man my brother Ma and the ushers Pa and Ia. We then went in and sat in the church it was about 15.50pm so we sat down and the organ was playing, and me and Ma sat in the front row while behind was mum and dad and Fe and the rest o f the family seated on each side. That’s when I got a little nervous 4pm rolled round and then five past. Then ten past, now I know that the bride is supposed to be late but this late............... Everyone in the church was whispering and when 15mins passed I was even saying to Ma where the hell is she. The organist had done her set 3 times over and would stop and then start again.

Twenty minutes late and Tr turned up, the first time I realised was when our song we had chosen for Tr to walk down the aisle to which was This is my moment by Martine McCutcheon. We all stood up and I looked round. I felt like I was the luckiest man alive. My heart skipped a beat when I seen Tr in the most beautiful deep blue wedding dress. I smiled at her and she smiled at me. I didn’t know why she was late but that was soon forgotten when I seen her sexy smile. I had the biggest smile in the world and as I held Tr hand and promised to love and cherish her for the rest of my life. And Tr slipped that wedding ring on me I felt so proud to be her husband.

The wedding was fantastic but when it came to the photos it was raining so hard that the vicar decided to that we could take the photos inside the church. after this we headed to the rugby club for the evening buffet and the evening was so good that we didn’t even notice it raining. The only thing I found with the evening do was that when you spend five minutes with everyone the evening is gone before you know it. Although one memorable moment for me was our first dance of the evening. It was our song by Shinia Twain and was called Looks like we made it. It was special for us because a few people said we weren’t suited because of our age gap. We proved them wrong because Tr is my soul mate and I will love her more than anything in this world until I die.

We spent our wedding night in a village called Nunney and in a old pub called The George which overlooks the castle. We had the bridal suite and yes we had a fantastic night.

We didn’t go away for a honeymoon as we couldn’t really afford it. So the following day we headed back home to the police house and found lots of wedding presents. It was like Christmas day and as well as the presents I now have a loving wife too.

I love being married to Tr she is the one single most important person in my life. She is my soul mate I will always love her with no less than all my heart, all my body and all my soul.

My Stag Dou was put together by my brother Ma I did say to him rather than just a drinking session I would like to see a band. We end up arranging a 16 seater mini bus to go to Bristol with a driver to take us there and bring us home. Ma found that there was two bands playing the Fleece and Firkin in Bristol. It was Nirvana and Guns and Roses headlining. Fantastic. Yes we all though so and although they were both only tribute bands it still seemed pretty cool and they were both considered to be the official tribute bands of the originals.

So all set and with 16 people made up of best friends, band members and family the night was set. Building up to the night a few weeks before on night I was talking with Se in the pub and he said we should do some speed. Now I have thought about doing drugs before but never wanted to try anything that would leave me out of control of my body or hallucinating. So never wanted to try mushrooms, acid or pills or jacking up. So speed was none of these as all it does is makes you wide awake and very alert. You can also drink like a fish on it too and become invulnerable to alcohol.

The afternoon before the stag do I made an excuse to Tr that I had to catch up with Se that afternoon. I drove down to the caravan park on the outskirts of Frome which is where Se lived. I was so nervous but we had a beer and then he put the white powder on the table. He said we would snort it up and it felt like something out of a film. We used a credit card and made lines across the table and while listening to Metalica we sniffed up the three lines that we had created.

He told me of the side affects and not to get worried. To be fair Se had done this time and time before and later tells me that he and his mate later did some more but they didn’t want to give me too much for my first time. The side affects were your willy shrinks. Well that’s ok in fact I should do this more often that way it would never be that hard to hide. And if you concentrate on your heart to much you can feel it beating faster. You may not get to sleep tonight because it keeps you wide awake. And finally you can drink and drink and drink and you wont get drunk. Perfect considering this was my stag duo.
So after heading home for a shower and then getting on the mini bus and gathering everyone up we headed to Bristol to watch some bands and have beer and get wasted. It was a great night and everyone was having fun. Everyone was buying me drinks and like Se said you can drink and drink and it was not affecting me. We jumped around to Nirvana and when Guns and Roses hot the stage they too were fantastic. Towards the end part of the night even though we had the mini bus booked some people wanted to go to the Powerhouse and carry on with the party. But the minibus wasn't not going to wait around for us. I must admit I was having fun and didn’t want to go home. But in the end we all decided that we should head for the mini bus and go home. It had been a fantastic night and why ruin it.

Now I was aware that something may happen on the way home. And worried that I might get stripped I let all my body hair grow for one month. I bought some pants specially to go out that evening. Well I could have them strip me to find pretty lace knickers and a smooth body could I. This was also the same for the time we went to Spain with Tr family. I had to let my body hair grow and nothing short of making me grumpy being hairy it makes me feel sick and I hate it so much. Having hairy legs and chest and arms ughghhhhhhhhh. Still I had to and sometimes Tr would say its ok hunny as when you come back from Spain or your stag do you can wax it all off. Thank god and it couldn’t come too soon

So back to the story and we are all traveling back after a great night out in Bristol. Most of us are drunk me, no I could party all night and felt as confident and as sober as a judge. We go through a village called Buckland Dinham this is about 5 miles from Frome and we pull over for a wee stop. We all get out and go to the loo and then before well all get back onto the bus 10 of them grab me and I fall to the ground. The tear my trainers off my socks my jeans my new pants my t shirt until nothing was left. They all laugh and I didn’t really fight it because it was a joke and I kind of was excepting it/ They took my clothes and drove of. It was pitch black and I walked until I found the tarmac and walked back towards Frome. I thought perhaps they would come back so I kept walking back towards Frome. With the speed because I am never this confident but I strode back to from with not a stitch on , then I heard a noise it was a car coming. I thought about hiding but thought well im here and im not jumping in the bushes. The lights illuminated my entire body and with my long dark hair swaying in the wind I must have looked like a woman. I stuck out my thumb to hitch a ride but they tooted and drove past so I carried on walking. My feet were starting to get a little sore they didn’t leave me with nothing.

Back home everyone arrives at the old police house and Tr answers the door and asks where’s Glyn. SteG , Tr brother produces my pile of clothes and said here’s Glyn . He handed her my trainers jeans pants socks and t shirt everything was there apart from me.

Tr hit the roof and demanded to know where I was. They all started saying was it Bristol or bath we dropped him and no one was being very clear. Tr got mad and they all finally gave in. Meanwhile I am approaching the lights of Frome and not far from the top of Whatcombe road.

After find out where I was dropped Tr and Em jumped in the car and drove to meet me. I was still walking in and although my confidence was high even I didn’t want to walk any further in the street lights of Frome. Tr told Em to shut her eyes when we see Glyn and they pulled up and saved me. I dint remember to much but I felt fine and even slept like a log too. Woke the following day and with no hangover.

Perfect Stag Dou but it is here that I would say again that although this was fun I don’t condone drugs and do feel if I never came out as a transsexual that my life would quite easily be filled with drink and that would have lead to more anger and quite easily more drugs.

In 1996 Muddy Puddle became Mongrel (as we played a crossbreed of punk and metal) and we meet up with a bass player called Ni he was from Liverpool and a through and through punk. It was great a four piece rock punk band. hence the name Mongrel. We practiced in my garage around the rear of the police house, I mean we didn’t have any neighbors so we made as much noise as possible. Ja bedroom was right above the garage so we didn’t play too late but he would come down and join in sometimes. By now Ja was listening to Guns and Roses and a few other rock bands. Meanwhile Tr became our manager and booked some gigs in and around frome, my confidence was growing and on stage it was like I was a different person. It was like we were against the world and that after all this time I was accepted into something. I felt wanted and belonged to the band our band.

The band consisted of me on lead vocals Ma on guitar Ro on drums and Ni on bass, we wrote lots of our own tracks and had about half of our hour and a half set that consisted of famous covers for people to get on the dance floor and jump around. Its amazing the buzz you get singing to people jumping around and people singing along with you and afterwards people coming up and saying that they enjoyed the show.

Ma was a great guitarist and still is, Ro would always be amazing on drums although he would always play faster when he was drinking. Ni was a solid bass player I think because he was a guitar player to and only picked up bass to join our band. And me I loved every minute of it.

We reached a stage where we wanted to play any venue of any kind so we could gain experience so we had a local reporter called John Frapwell interview us and put a piece into the paper to advertise our band the picture was taken outside our garage along with the following clipping......

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Mongrels Music Is Free

Four young men from Frome are making pub landlords an offer that must be almost to good to refuse. The four members of a band called Mongrel say that most publicans in and around Frome do not seem to want live music anymore. @except for three pubs in Frome no one wants to know@ said the lead singer Glyn Eden@ So we are prepared to play anywhere Free Of Charge, just to gain more experience. The quartet all of whom have previously played with other bands have been together since spring. Recently last month they came first in a talent show in a Trowbridge club. They rehearse in a small lock up garage and have composed several of thier own numbers. They describe there music as half breed punk/rock They have gigs lined up at Bath on 13th September and Fromes Royal British Legion 28th September.
Glyns's fiancée Treasa Gillingham is responsible for the bands bookings. Any landlord or event organizer who wants to take up the boys offer can phone her on 01373 473740
The Mongrels are (from left) (Drummer Rob Chapman aged 21) (Nick Stirling aged 26 Bass) (Glyn Eden aged 22 Vocals) and Mark Eden aged 18 Guitar.
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We gained some more experience from playing Warminster / Frome Trowbridge Bath and many more and then we made the papers again while preparing for a local gig.

We won a local Battle of the bands, which was amazing to be on a huge stage with monitors and with all the amps and drums miked up and running through the house p.a. The first gig where I felt like a real rock star. I know its sounds all a bit silly but it was the one gig where everything went well and it was a big stage with huge speakers and the sound was perfect and I always look back on this gig and think wow when I die I would love to go back to that time and be a spectator and watch that gig and re-live it. I loved the stage it was a form of release all that anger all that upset all that emotion it would disappear and for that 30 mins or hour I would just be a normal person with no worries and was having fun which never happened in my life and I was with friends who didn’t judge me. Because a band is like a family and you all have to work at it to make anything work. I really did love these days and before every gig, we would get together away from our girlfriends and sych ourselves up a few minutes before going on stage. Bonding and uniting our nerves and excitement before going on stage We gigged some more in Bath, Trowbridge, Frome, Radstock, Writhlington, and Farrington gurney.

Winning that competition again made the papers.......................

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Band Wins Competition

Newly formed rock band Mongrel accepted a last miniute invitation to enter a competition at Route 66 in Trowbridge and went on to win. The band will be appearing in the semi final of Battle of the Bands at Route 66 on August 22
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Tr did an excellent job as the manager always ringing and booking gigs and promoting the band. She would organize the flyers and posters and kept everything running smoothly. We recorded a few tapes and gigs, even shot a video, things were going great and the band was on a high. We even managed to get ourselves and our Band Mongrel banned from the much considered metal pub in Frome the Wheatsheaf as our last and final newspaper clip tells..
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Cross-bred Punk at Badgers Hill

An entertaining mix of music and mayhem is guarantied when From rockers Mongrel take to the stage at Badgers hill Football Club this Saturday.
The quartet who describe there music as cross-bred punk rock will be playing a selection of original compositions as well as some well known cover versions.
This show is not for the faint hearted as the lads lyrical content and on-stage antics have already led to a ban from one local establishment for being loud and offensive.
Other bands on the bill include Unlimited Aggression who hail from Midsummer Norton as well as long standing favorites Udder who headline the night.
Doors open 7pm with the first band start at 8pm.
Admission is #1.50
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But Ro was starting to get involved with another project and then he dropped the blow that he wanted to leave Mongrel.

It was not done in a bad way and with Ro gone there was a huge gap to fill because his drumming was loud and powerful and well its hard to say but he was not just a drummer. He gave life to the music of Mongrel just like every one of that band. Everyone was a piece of Mongrel. Well the only other drummer we knew at that time was a guy called Ni who I worked with. Now Ni was older than me, so became the oldest in the band. His drum kit was half the size of Ro but he said it was the stability of his drumming not the quantity.

Well Mongrel had always been a in your face drums in your face guitar in your face vocals and when practicing in our lock up garage it seemed like it had no life or soul. Rightly or wrongly me and Ma took it out on Ni the bass player I guess this was because I worked with Ni im unsure looking back, Something was missing and the four piece didn’t really work without Ro. But we did one gig with Ni the drummer and we all called it a day.

So Mongrel sung there last song back in frome right where it started a home gig in the British Legion, and we called it a day. It was quite a blow anyone who has been in a band and it splits up, its like losing the person you love. Maybe not as bad as death but losing a special girlfriend its sad and for this part of my life music was a piece of fun a good time that I truly needed for sanity and I look back on with great memories.

Ma left to join a band called Incision and Ni moved back to Liverpool. Ro he left for a band called Soulfinger and is now in a band who travel the world called Frenzy. Ma had success with Incision and fulfilled a UK tour and relesed a album then started Subliminal which also had great success and is currently with The anger Within. And me I started playing bass guitar and with Mongrel now split up I started jamming with Ni, we started looking for a drummer as Ni put his drum kit away and self taught himself guitar. We found a drummer from Warminster and with our new drummer called Ric and Ni on guitar and me on Lead vocals and bass guitar we practiced and played one gig at a birthday party in Eddington.

Me and Ni wanted to recorded a few songs and recruited Se from the Wasted days to use his 8 track to recorded them. It was here Se seen me playing bass and vocals together that we hatched a plan to jam together also. I detached myself from Ni after the wedding episode and then joined forces with the person I had first jammed with, my London friend Se.

Meanwhile I was also jamming with two brothers from Clutton they had a drummer and with a name called Peepshow we practiced in Bradford on Avon in a place called Nam studios. This is where I became my most strongest as a bass player and with a good hour set we set off to do a few gigs. Which we played Farrington Gurney and one other gig in Bath. But that came to an end and while playing with Se on drunken nights we would talk of how we should reform Wasted.

Still living in the Police house I was able to go out as Kim a lot more often and with the band ending I was able to become Kim more. It was easy because we had no neighbors I would walk out the back kitchen up the stone steps and get in my car. We had a lady called Li who I guess you could call our neighbour, I mean her house wasn’t attached but it was across the road that lead to the factory behind our house.

Li was a lovely lady it turned out she was the same age as Tr and had a couple of lodgers. Tr used to go over for coffee and one day Tr and I got talking and considered telling Li all about Kimberley. Now my mum used to clean for Li in fact I think it was how I managed to rent the police house in the first place. My mum knew Li who knew that the house opposite was up for rent. That’s how we came about renting the Police House.

So me and Tr talked about it because Li had some gay friends and was very opened minded it would be nice if Kimberley had a friend other than Tr. It was left for a while and Tr came back home from spending a evening round there and said that she had told Li all about Kimberley. The next time I went over there was strange because we were talking about Kimberley as if she was a person I felt so happy.

So within a few weeks Li had arranged for us to go to a gay club, I got dressed up as Kimberley in a short mini sexy top knee high boots, perfect make up and large silver hoop earrings. I felt fantastic and When I saw Li she said how good I looked so that boosted my confidence. Li took her company car as the petrol was free and she knew where the club was. I remember parking in the car park and walking towards the club. It felt so normal my spirit was so high as I finally felt I was going clubbing as a woman like I always should have. We had a fantastic night and danced the night away. I got a little tipsy and danced some more. I loved dancing in a skirt with knee high boots I felt like a teenage girl. I think I had the biggest smile in the club. The night ended and Li drove home.

Soon the years passed and I proposed to Tr late one night on 17th September 1996. I wanted to take Tr out to Heavens gate on the outskirts of Longleat Safari park, and get down on one knee but my plan was to do this as midnight strikes over to the 18 of September which is the day we met. So with it raining and me using the excuse to drag Tr half way around the country late one night to show her something. It turns out we cannot drive up to heavens gate that late in the night. So I rack my brains of where else would be nice to propose. I think of Stourhead. And started to head off there, but again not sure where would be open and with the time ticking on, I ask Tr close her eyes at Stourhead, I pull over in front of the church with some trees on the left hand side. I stand her under the tree. The rain was light and the tree gave a little cover and still as the minutes close on the seventeenth of September.

As the clock starts to strike midnight I wish Tr a happy anniversary and give her a red rose, then I dropped to one knee
I looked up and hold out the open box and asked...... Tr will you marry me. and giving her another red rose
With rain coming down through the tree and us both getting wet she says yes and I rise to my feet and kiss her deeply.

This work place was very well paid in fact is the only time in my life where I was not in a overdraft. I was well paid and the workshop was lovely and clean and the people were ok. I worked on cnc machines producing parts for the Harrier, Tornado and Airbus. Most of the time it was down to the setting off the machine. Once that was done it would run itself.

I met a few people who I got on very well with here, To was a nice guy we spent many a late shift looking at computer game magazines as the machines worked happily away. Da was this guy who was a ladies man and a great guy. I try to go through life keeping my head down and just be easy going and make friends. Hey life is hard enough I don’t need to be arguing with friends too. And another person called Rom, me and him clicked not sure why but me and him stuck together and he was a good friend. Oh must not forget Mich he helped me a lot with the machines here too. He was the kind of guy who would help anyone. And for some reason he always had a soft spot for me. So that was Thomson’s nice people and nice place to earn a living. I didn’t particularly socialise with any of them. But working there gave me plenty of time to think and I would write songs here while the machine was whirling away. I also dreamed of working in a office but couldn’t see how I would ever get there. I would be really fussy with my bench it would be clean and everything would have its place. Mind you not as bad as To everything needed to be in line. Like the book would have to line up with the edge of the table and the ruler line up with the book.

I would have loved to work in a office as a woman I just know that was for me ..... but my daydream ended as the machine stopped and on with work I would go.

During this time I met a guy called Ni, he too was into punk rock and was older than me by a few years and had a younger brother in a band called Cruiser.

It was 1999 when work started to get real quiet as Rolls Royce started shipping all there work to be machined to Singapore. So much for Rolls Royce being British. And in December of 1999 one at a time six of us were told that we had been made redundant. That was my millennium start, Unemployment. Maybe looking back this was the fresh start I needed. But at the time it was quite a blow. Because we all live to our means. And with lots of credit cards and sky TV and nice house. It was tough.

Finished school whay, and passed driving test. The minute I passed my driving test was like I had been given Kimberley’s freedom. I mean I could go out dressed and drive around with a skirt on and feel the wind against my legs. I would walk around different places and oh I cant tell you how much this raised my spirit.

But one thing I didnt really plan on.......
Body hair ughhhhhhhhhh, I hated every single body hair. Then it arrived on my face I in one word HATED all of it. It was at home in the bath that I first took my razor which I had one to do my face I shaved all of my body hair off. When ever I was not at work I would go out in my car. Mum and dad would ask where are you going but I would just say out for a drive. Every Sunday afternoon I would go out dressed and drive around. Then came the walking around out side without the comfort of my car. That was a sobering thought because I had no idea of makeup. Lipstick was easy enough but eye liner eye shadow mascara blusher foundation I had no idea.

Still it didn’t stop me and while pulling on tights that I had plucked up the courage to buy in a shop out of town. The tights slide over my legs, then pulling the skirt up and fastening it at the rear. I slipped the bra over my arms and fastened that at the back and I filled it with some rolled up socks. Then the white blouse I thought I looked quite good. My hair was getting longer by this time it was down to my shoulders and some lipstick. While driving to Somerton one night I parked up and stepped out. I walked around a housing estate at first and finally I felt free. I knew that I wanted to be a woman but never thought it would come true. Everything felt so right I was happy inside I remember the first time I walked by a couple im not sure what I looked like so I kept looking forward and passed them on the path. Nothing was said and so this became my life. During the evening I would drive around dressed as Kimberley and find places to walk. I went to Langport, Yeovil, Maiden Bradley, Warminster Trowbridge, All over the place. I was free

I started drinking with my dad on some evenings and also with friends on Friday and Saturday nights, we will get to that in a bit. I would get very down and fed up but try not to show it because no one knew the real reason. I was still unsure if how or whether I should disclose my real feelings to anyone in fear of being named a freak or people making the wrong opinion of me so it was better to keep quiet. The trouble is the older I get the more I want to be a woman.. Well even that statement is not true because I knew from day one I was a woman in a mans body.

But these feelings are so strong and being in the wrong body can break you down I mean its like day by day by day everything is wrong. You go to work and I don’t fit in, I went to school I don’t fit in, I go to the shop, bank supermarket, It hurts when someone says morning Sir. Everything is a lie, you live through life as a lie and just exist. I’m not sure what happy is.

I have said this phrase many times and it is how I truly feel, if you can remember a time or perhaps there is one coming up soon for you, that you are looking forward too. but from time to time , where you have your loved ones around you or your best friends and everyone is happy and joking the weather is fine and everything is fantastic. And everything is as good as it gets. I’m the one in the corner who laughs along with everyone else but is hurting inside, im the one who looks like a spare part standing on my own out the way of others and not knowing where I fit in. I’m the one who is not sure how to hold myself because im not a man but in a mans body. I’m the one who looks through a glass window at others being happy.

I’m not comfortable in my own skin and never have been.

I used to drink with my mum and dad and get upset sometimes , you know when you drink and your guard is down, and when asked why im down I would cry and then of course they would think why are you crying what on earth is wrong, I’d say it is because I want a girlfriend and no one is going to love me. ( to be honest I just wanted a girl to be friends with someone of the opposite sex to talk to and confide in. I wasn’t a walking hormone through my teens.)They said that I would be ok and I will meet someone special when the time is right. But they didn’t know my secret. It sounds so wrong and some people think its sexual (I like dressing as a woman) But it is not sexual and never has been. It is so much more than that, I wouldn’t care if I had to wear a bin liner its not all about the clothes, its my body im not happy in, I hate hair on my body I hate my flat chest and I hate my penis. In the bath it would bobble about like a horrible worm, ok I was lucky as I was blessed in size but to me it was even more of a problem to hide. I hated it. Even to this day I push it down between my legs when having a bath I keep it between my legs if im in bed. It just hangs there and gets in the way of everything. Sleeping it would feel alien resting on the bed as I lay on my side. Or in a pair of swimming trunks it would just be there always there and I didn’t want it. Many of times I thought about how I would cut it off but never did. I’m glad I didn’t now because I know now that they need it to create a vagina.

So when going out with friends I would drink with them, and drink kind of takes you to a happy level and it gives you confidence, but can also bring out pent up anger and hate against the world and everything in it. I was a bit of a mess and have got myself in fights and trouble. During this time my brother Ma was playing guitar and I was listening to different kinds of music. I used to love pop music from the eighties and still do, but rock music was what my brother was listening to. Guns and Roses and Alice cooper. I would look at some of the artists which he was listening to and look........ men with long hair and look tough. So I started listening to Def Leopard and Guns and roses. I loved the music and it had attitude and anger and soft ballads too. It was for me and my hair got longer so I was able to be Kimberley in my bedroom and on sunday afternoon drives and walking as Kimberley in the evenings. But also listened to rock music to give the excuse of growing my hair. Excellent.

Ohhh this may be a good time to say to my mum, im really sorry but I still have the short black mini skirt in my wardrobe today. It was one of the items I used to keep in my new hiding place the boot of my car along with lots of other items, But over time I put them back. But I still have my first mini skirt as I teenager. Well ok your mini skirt but if you like it back I still have it sorry mum, Kimberley xx

Still listening to the rock music and along with school life being hell my goofy teeth no one understanding my situation. No friends I could trust and not wanting to be a boy. Hating life but trying to be good or I would get into trouble and not being able to confide in anyone I would get angry at the world and rock music was a good release.

I would drink through my late teens with Pa a friend of mine since nursery and even though I felt out of my depth. And they would take the mickey out of me because I was shy and weak and would get upset easily they were my only friends and getting drunk took me to another plain another place where I could get away from the truth.

It was at the age of nineteen when I met my wife Tr. Ok lets start right from the beginning. I met a guy at work called SteB and was into Metalica which was one band which I really loved and computer games which I also loved. So we quickly became friends and would often have nights where I would go around his and drink wine and play computer games. Now I like SteB a lot he is a very honest and caring guy. He lived in a block of flats and had the top one which he called the pent house. And I also met a very nice guy called Ph too he was SteB flat mate and also into the same music. We were hanging out one night and SteB suggested going to the local nightclub. Now I had the mother of all spots on my nose don’t ask me why, must have been growing up. But I did not want to go out due to this huge spot on my nose. He said ahhhh you be ok its not that big. Course there’s never a mirror in a guys flat and I had a few glasses of lifermilch wine inside of me by then. I looked round at him and said anyway I haven’t got a coat. It was getting cold out there because this was September 16th 1993.

StevB had a jacket which I loved it was leather a proper bikers jacket and had Metallica written on the back of the it. I loved it, anyway he said well you can wear my jacket. I still remember putting this on I love the smell of leather and I felt good. So before I knew it we are walking down to the club and we are ordering drinks at the bar. I took a sip of my drink and turn round and see these two ladies. One with dark hair and one with red hair. I’m not sure where SteB has gone, must of caught up with some friends. But these girls are looking at me. I look over and smile. They smile back and I duck down out of their view. I leave it for about 10 seconds and then look up to see them and they duck down.

This went on for a few times and then I walked over and said hello. Its amazing with a bit of drink inside what confidence you can gain. I asked if I could buy them a drink. The one with dark hair left for the bathroom and I walked to the bar with the girl with red hair. I asked her what she would like to drink and she replied coke. COKE I said wouldn’t you like something stronger. Its then she told me that she was driving that evening. I said ohh ok and introduced myself as Glyn. Her name was Tr and she was friendly and all smiles. We laughed and chatted for a bit. I felt really at ease with her and as the evening went on we chatted some more our lips met. I remember looking into her eyes, you know that kiss you see on television a thousand times. I look at her she looks at me and we glance down at our lips as our heads come together we close our eyes and our lips touched for the first time. We kissed and it was amazing, just like all of the night club had switched off, we were in a world of our own. I closed my eyes and our lips touched again. We then embraced and kissed deeply wow id never done that before and through the night we were kissing and chatting like we had been boyfriend and girlfriend for years. Tr told me that she was 23years old, I was 19 and on making our way to her car she explained that there was a child seat in the car because she is a nanny. We kissed some more in the car and the very early hours of the morning Tr dropped me home.

Now I liked Tr and was not sure how to explain that I live on a council estate. It was a little rough and I wanted to impress her. So I told her I would walk up the track which lead to my estate. Just before leaving her I asked if I could have her number. She wasn’t sure so I gave her my number and asked her to promise me that she would call me.

** I thought it may be quite nice for a paragraph from Tr from a sober point of view of how we met.
**

STILL TO COME FROM TREASA (sorry)

On our second date we arranged to meet in the car park of the club we had first met in the town. I was there slightly early and then Tr pulled up in her white Nissan. I jumped in the car and Tr looked at me. She said she had something to say and had to say it before we went any further. I said to her ok but may I have a kiss first. I was spoiled with all the kissing a few nights before and wanted at least one more before the news.

Tr looked at me as I looked at her. She confessed to being married and having a son called Ja. He was four years old. She also confessed to being 28 years old not 23 which made her just shy of being 10 years older than me, and that she told me the fibs a few nights before because she didn’t think that she would see me again. It was only because I asked her to promise to call me. And that she always kept her promises.

I was a little shocked and asked her about her husband and son. She said that she no longer loved her husband and that they sleep in separate rooms. She lived in Wincanton and that she was not a nanny and that it was Ja seat in the back of the car. I said well we could be best friends and hang out go to the cinema and to gigs. I found out that she loved her rock music also. I found Tr to be an amazing woman she knew lots of things I was quite naive, I loved chatting with her as she was intelligent and sexy and bubbly and outgoing. Although she was going through a breakdown with her husband she came alive when we meet and we had fun. I think that’s why we worked so well together all we wanted was to have fun.

We used to meet up and just drive and chat. When we parked somewhere quiet, we would kiss and nibble each others neck, but it was all harmless fun.

Soon her husband moved out and I spent a few nights there. I started to fall deeply in love with Tr and not wanting to confuse Ja, kept my feelings a little distance towards Tr in front of Ja. We sat in a watched TV and Tr over time met some of my friends. Pa and SteB my close friends at the time suggested that I not get too serious with her because she is older because she is married and because she has a son. But we had a good friendship she was like my soul mate. When I first met Tr she was 28years old married and had been put down mentally most of her life and although she tells me of her fun in her teenage years with riding bikes and seeing bands, when she got married she lost her sense of identity. And lack of self respect.

One night I decided to tell her about Kimberley, I had to tell her because this is a part of me. I couldn’t hide it. Its not a hobby Kimberley is a part of Glyn and I knew that I had to tell her. I believe we were sat in my car one day outside the back of Tr house and I said Tr there is something that I need to tell you. I am a Transsexual. I have wanted to be a woman all of my life. I go out dressed as a woman I feel complete when dressed and sat and told her the whole story about me. I thought that would be it our relationship or friendship over. But this is not something that goes away, I didn’t wake up with this, this morning. I am a Transsexual. And I feel that I need to tell you , its only fair on you and me for us both to know everything about each other.

To my surprise Tr said "show me"

So I took all the clothes out from my boot and went upstairs to her house and came down dressed. I was nervous as no one ever had seen me dressed. As I came down the stairs and Tr took a look at me and said if your going to do this then you are going to do it right. I mean I didn’t look very good I had no make up on at that time and wore just a skirt and a blouse I think I had a pair of tights and Tr black court shoes.

Tr asked me what I call myself. I must admit I never really give it a awful lot of thought I mean a female name for myself. I imagined I would never open up to someone for someone to meet me. We talked about a few names and Tr said how about Kimberley, That way if we speak of Kim by a mistake in front of anyone then I could kind of sound like Glyn. I loved it and so from then on my name was and still is Kimberley. Tr helped me in so many ways from make up to dress sense, from walking and talking to sitting and eating. How different clothes hang and can appear to make you look shorter or taller. I owe a lot to Tr. We have had a lot of fun and Tr has a huge heart and is a huge inspiration to me.

After a little while I with massive help from Tr started to have confidence in Glyn and Kimberley. Kimberley used to go out dressed about once a week, and sometimes Tr would come with me. We would go to Sherbourne and Shaftesbury, all over the place. But only for a walk around the town center. I started to wear nightdresses to bed and was still keeping my body very hairless. Me and Tr never slept together for the first six months. I mean I had never been with anyone before so still a virgin and Tr was still married. So although we slept in the same bed nothing happened.

Until one morning.

One morning we were chatting like normal couples do with morning sun streaming through the windows. And kissing lead to a cuddle and a cuddle lead to and so on.......

I am not going to details but life was great. I had a woman who was beautiful, and that I loved more than anything in the world. I have never loved like this, I respect and adore Tr and would do anything for her. We clicked together and were so right for each other and our love grew and grew and grew.

Where Ja and also any of my friends were concerned no one knew anything about Kimberley. Until......

One night Kimberley and Tr were walking around Shaftesbury I was wearing a blue knee length denim skirt and black blouse with a black handbag and black court shoes, my fingernails were painted and so too my toe nails I felt great. Tr was walking beside me. We were walking down the main street and a car went by on the other side of the road. Tr said oh no its my brother. Now SteG, Tr brother was young and was out cruising the streets with his mates. Now he spotted Tr with her red hair and turned round to come back and see who the other girl was and have a chat. Tr said run.

So I did as quick as my legs would take me. I hid in a shop doorway further down the road my heart beating, and Tr made up some story to him that she was with one of Glyns cousins from Australia. and that she is shy and has walked on. Looking back it wasn’t a very good excuse but we stuck to it. And her name was Kimberley and she was from Australia and that Tr was showing her the sights. SteG didn’t believe her and said that that was Glyn in a skirt. We stuck to our story and got away with it. Or so I thought.

While we are talking about Tr Family let me quickly introduce you. Tr has a brother called SteG and a Sister called Em. Their mum is called Jo, and Jo has a husband named Ad and are both the parents of SteG and Em, Jo is Tr's Mum while Ro is Tr's dad and married again to a lady called Pa. Tr also has a Nan called Je who brought Tr up due to Jo and Ro splitting up.

With Tr now officially getting divorced from her husband, she had to sell the house this was to pay of a lot of debt that had been ran up against the house. So the house was sold and there wasn’t a great deal of money left. We moved to Frome out of the way of people having a good gossip about Tr and her new young man. I find that Frome is a big town hence even me after living here all my life, might not bump into anyone I know shopping. So this was good for us and we moved into a old gothic house near the Lamb pub at the top of Bath street next to the dance school. The house was called The Old Police House. It had three bedrooms and a dinning room lounge kitchen and garage. We loved it there. it had a wood burner and tall ceilings. we moved in September 1995. This house has no neighbors and used to be the Police house and they moved out in the 60s, it is next to a dance studio which used to be a court house with the dock and jury and well court. And next to that is the Judges house. Where another couple lived.

Ja moved to Frome with us and we become a lot closer. He tried calling me dad once and to be honest it didn’t sit well with me or him so from day one he has called me Glyn. I have never pretended to be his dad just more like a friend.

After moving to Frome with Tr and Ja, my brother was busy playing in a band with Cause for concern, which is where he meet Se. Se was from London and they organized a night where they could just jam up Frome College. Well I loved music and Ma said why don’t you come along and sing. I didn’t really have the confidence to do that but Tr said go along it would be fun. So I did I learnt a few songs one of which was For Whom The Bell Tolls by Metallica. I remember Ma picking me up from the Police house and traveling to the hall of Frome College. It was strange going back to the place which didn’t hold that many great memories if any. I met Se he was a little older than me but I really nice guy. Ma and Se jammed and played together well and the sound was great. Se was on this amazing Tama drum kit and Ma was on guitar. I must thank them because they were patient with me and I think towards the end part of the night it was coming together. I enjoyed singing and being a part of something, somewhere where I could belong and have fun. Life was all coming together money was great I had a new home which was all ours and I was in love with Tr and Ja seemed to settle into school. Part of me felt I was cured and although Kimberley was around everyday all be it sleeping in a nightdress and going out once a week dressed I was happy, and thought I was cured.

Also after jamming with Ma and Se, we set up our own band together called Wasted. This was with me on lead vocals and Ma on Lead guitar and Se dropping the drums for this being his side project Cause for Concern and playing guitar also. We just needed a drummer and bass player. We rehearsed in the Royal British legion and composed some of our own tracks as well as some covers. We had fun and soon found a bass player called Mar, he was a nice guy but very well dressed very tall and very thin. When playing the bass he would stand upright with his bass guitar hung around his front but he would play with the fret board pointing to his shoulder (you had to see it to get the full picture). But he quickly gained a reputation by looking like the Grim reaper on stage.

We struggled to find a drummer and played along with a drum machine. We jumped around and made lots of noise and covered tunes from punk sex pistols and remones to rock, Billy idol, sisters of mercy right through to metallica and pantera. We had fun.

But still I would be dressing as Kimberley behind the scenes. Around this time I started plucking my eye brows and this can be seen when looking at any pictures around this time with the bands on stage. Practicing regularly down the British legion we became friendly with the owner and through going down there so often Tr was headhunted to work there as bar staff. With the function room being her main workplace with weddings and parties . This also meant we could practice in the function room more often.

It was around this time that Tr was doing a college course as a beauty student and hairdressing and she went on a ear piercing course. Finally whaaaaaay, I had both ears pierced and was able to wear earrings. In fact my brother and SteB and Se and many other friends got there ears priced by Tr. I was over the moon because it means no more clip on earrings and I could buy nice hoops or anything I fancied.

With the band coming together Se and Ma were both desperate to do a gig. I was nervous as this was my first time. So was Ma but he had done his first gig with Cause fro Concern already. So we contacted a band called Far Que a local punk band also on there debut. We decided we would headline as we set up the hall and float for the door. And the night was set. Our first gig with a head lining act of Wasted and supporting band Far Que In the British Legion.

We put together flyers and posted them around town, I think that was about the most rebellious thing I had ever done, After Tr had helped us make up the sticky goo, me and Ma ran around town putting the on lamp posts and pillars and doors. It was 1pound 50pence to enter and we put these posters everywhere. Even had a guy called Jas doing the artwork for us it looked amazing. Se not happy with booking one gig, booked us in on the following day, the Sunday to a pub gig in the afternoon in the Lamb which is located in the top of Bath street.

We even made the paper and the cutting read the following.....
.......................................................................
Bands Debut

A new band is preparing for its debut at the Royal British Legion in Frome on Saturday night.

Wasted has been together nearly six months and has produced four tracks which it plans to record by the end of the summer.

Wasted has also been booked the following morning by the Lamb in Frome on Sunday at high noon, and the White Hart in Widcombe on June 1st
..........................................................

It was to be Wasted's first and last gig.....

The saturday night was here the night of our debut gig, I had even bought a brand new P.A system which we could run four mikes through. One which was took up by our drum machine and the other three with me Ma, and Se, Mart didn’t sing, he played his base and still looked like the grim reaper. We were tight ( that’s band talk for playing on time and together).

We went down in the afternoon and set up and went back home for a shower, my hair was now down to my bra although I didn’t wear one that night. And I was going to wear my black cut off shorts but as my legs were as smooth as a babies bum, I always felt I had to cover up, even at the weekends if visiting family. A twenty year old man with smooth legs was always going to look out of place. So tight black jeans white trainers black t shirt. I was fit to go. Tr was working on the entry fee and float and supervising the bar. So we headed down there. Before we knew it there must have been about one hundred people there. I guess that what you get when there’s nothing to do in Frome and you only charge 75p to see each a band Tr took some band photos that evening before going on stage, I was ok, I felt I was getting stronger and with my brother on the left hand side of the stage and a good friend Se we hit the stage with confidence. It was truly a great show. Ok we had a drum machine which meant we were restricted but we choreographed jumping in certain places and head banging it was great fun and at one point we even had Far Ques main man Badger join us on stage during a punk song which seen the dance floor full of moshing metlers and punks. Far Que were great and Wasted we were.

The following day we woke to be getting ready for another gig. Sunday Morning we set up in the Lamb pub and again played our set. It was ok but not as good as last night. It was the type of scene that we all played our hearts out jumping around and trying to get the punters going and people sat at the bar drinking and just watched as we jumped around and tried to put on a show. We finished our set and got a round of applause and the Landlady at the time took a photo of us and put it behind the bar in a frame. It was cool that the picture of Wasted was behind the bar for well over a year. It turned out ok and another gig was done.

And that was it for Wasted. Rehearsal had slowed down I think a lot of this was to be honest Ma and Se fell out, I was still friends with Se and me and Ma being Brothers started a mess about band called Muddy Puddle. We hooked up with a guy called Ro, he lived in this huge house in Friggle street and we jammed there and recorded a tape. It was fun and great to be playing with a drummer again. He was so loud and fast and with Ma on guitar me on vocals we were composing tracks for a laugh. Songs that were 5 secs long, to proper rock. metal songs. Ja would come along to a few practice sessions and he would sometimes join in. And I think there was several times where Ro let Ja play on his drum kit. Ja was starting to enjoy the music scene as it was great making music and having a good time with friends

Tr still working at the British legion had been made up to Bar Manager. Me I was still Kimberley and building a wardrobe full of female clothes. I was still not able to dress full time as Ja was getting older and I would not let him know about Kimberley, I didn’t want him being bullied at school as I had been .So sometimes he would be sent to bed and he really wanted to stay up but I wanted to go out and was putting my make up on. I would very often be darting from the bedroom to the bathroom getting ready and making sure |Ja never saw me. But we became closer as his real father proceeded to have nothing to do with him. We went on holidays together as a family and Ja would come and sing with me and Ma in band practice. All was ok

My first real job was in fairly small factory was working as a engineer. I never did very well at school and I partly blame the fact that my school life has been riddled with bullies. So I started working here and said to the manager, look give me a go, im hard working and I will give you 110%. He started me working on a bank of pillar drills and working on the assembly line. But I was not given a apprenticeship. Due to my exams.

I worked hard for two years and on every occasion and meetings through the year discussing pay, I begged to be given a apprenticeship. I was now around 18 years old nearly nineteen. So considered a little too old for a five year apprenticeship. Ro the owner of the business gave me the chance to embark on a achievement called N.V.Q level two, in the following Milling, Grinding, Turning, and bench work as well as health and safety. It was only a two year course but I did it and proved that I had the intelligence to become something.

I quite enjoyed my time at Brewis and working with people I didn’t know. I was able to build a easy going and friendly and approachable reputation. Not the cry baby or sissy I had obtained from school. I think I can remember a couple of instances where I became upset inside, you know where you can feel the tears are coming but refuse to let them .Then get home and cry like a baby. A lot of this was my lack of confidence. I was portraying this easy going guy likeable but if I was in the office talking about pay rises or being told off because of making a mistake on a job. I would crumble right in front of them.

I’m sure people seen this, hence people would see me as a walk over, still a step up from cry baby. I kept my head down and served 6 years at Brewis. I have one confession here. And that is because this was a small family business. That was doing well, they used to cut back on things...

So imagine my surprise when going to the rag bin. I promise you this was true. I found the rag bin full of jumble sale clothes. It must of been cheaper than rags and it felt like my birthday. There was skirts and blouses and trousers. It seemed like heaven Now at 17 years old I had a skinny frame always did through school. So on several occasions I would take say a knee length skirt and walk into the toilet with it all scrunched up in my smock pocket. Smock was the long coats we wore when working there. And would put the skirt or blouse on under my work clothes. I straighten the garment as best I could then put my jeans on and top and proceed as normal. I would generally only put it on say 30 minutes before the end of the day and then cycle home. My wardrobe was getting bigger.

I also met a guy called Adr and he was a good friend, we used to work together on the assembly line and he got talking about tattoos. Now in this male world with me feeling like a flower in a builders yard I thought that maybe this would be a sign to everyone that im not soft and don’t even think of picking on me. So I said yeah I always wanted a tattoo too. So everyday he would say im getting a tattoo this weekend and I would say cool, I get one the weekend too. And this conversation went on for weeks.

One monday morning he came in with a panther tattoo on his upper arm. I must admit it looked very nice and he said it didn’t hurt and that I should get one. Another few weeks went by and I was getting yeah yeah your all talk and chicken and you too scared. So after a few more days of this and not wanting to look like a wimp, I went to the local tattoo parlour and got one on my upper left arm of an eagle. Sounds tacky now but its quite nice with nice colours. So there we go tattooed and back then I felt this is it, this makes me look tough. So I would wear muscle t shirts during the day and within a year I got another one on my other arm to even it all up.

While working here I meet SteB who was a Metallica fan which I loved and he also liked Slayer but they were too heavy for me. We became great friends and I started getting together with him after work and going around his house because he loved pc gaming and I used to go round and play too.

I was doing well at Brewis and soon was operating a section of computer machines and manuals and had a few young lads to look after too. After six years I seen a job advertising for a engineer at Thomson m/c and tool, this was far better wages and I wanted to go to a cleaner envoirment. This company was working as a Rolls Royce outlet and everything was kept spik and span. I was getting fed up at being dirty and my confidence was growing so I handed my notice in and nervously moved to my next adventure.

It was about this age that I started doing a paper round. I enjoyed working and also enjoyed being paid at the end of the week. About the only thing I didn’t like was Friday as this was when the Somerset Standard came out and so all or most of the customers on my round would have two papers there normal one and the Standard. This used to make the bag so heavy. But the weather never used to worry me. I found the rain to be refreshing and still like the rain.

The one time of year I did like apart from Christmas for tips, was when the fairground came to town. I used to get up extra early and cycle not to the paper shop in the morning, but to the fair ground. I would weave in and out of the rides and stands in the hope I would find a pretty hair tie or hair clip that some girl may have dropped the night before. And eight times out of ten I would find something every day. I gained a few hair ties and a purse which was black with coloured beads attached to it. And I also remember finding a couple of Alice bands.

Now the question was where to hide such things. Well in the airing cupboard in my room there was a loose floor board and because it was in the cupboard it was not carpeted and I would lift the floor board and hide my things in there. That way no one would know anything.

I used to watch my mum apply make up although she only really applied eye liner I would watch her and wish I could do that. My mum also had clip on earrings. I never had my ears pierced as I wasn’t allowed. It was around this time that some of my cousins Ch and Le had there left ear priced it was the latest trend but I wasn’t allowed. So im really sorry mum but I did take a couple of pairs. I kept them safe in my secret hiding place.

Also at this age I started to realise that life is something you must just get on with so I did. In fact I dated a few girls but if I am truly honest all I wanted was a friend that was a girl so I could be in her company and do girlie things. Chat and gossip. But this was not meant to be. I mean I was still being bullied at school and the last thing I needed was for a girl to make things worse at school by spreading the word that I wanted to be a girl.

I did have a couple of girlfriend's but never made the first move and then earnt the reputation of being fridgid. I was never interested in sex with a girl although I must say I had no interest in men what so ever. I am not gay. So now with the nick name frigid life went on.

When I was about 13 my teeth stuck out. I have had goofy teeth all my life and always knew that I would need a brace one day. On going to the dentist I was fitted with a brace and told that during the night I would need to wear a head device to help bring my teeth back into alignment. That’s right it was called Head Gear. My god if life could not get any worse. It was as best I can describe as a cardboard like material helmet that fitted on my head and then came down over my cheeks. It had two elastic bands each side which clipped onto the front of the brace. And this was to help put tension onto the brace and therefore straightening my teeth. I was to put it on at 7pm and wear it while watching telly and then go to bed wearing this horrible contraption. The instructions were to keep it on for 12 hours. This is the first time in my life when I first wanted to end my life. I'd had enough and this was a real low point for me.

Due to my school work suffering, Frome College operated their whole time tables within a band system, and whichever band you were put into dictated which subjects you could study. Band A for the top students, and B for the good students, Band C for the ones who can get by, And Band D for the special needs and ones who have learning difficulties. So if you wanted to study say physics in Band A you could, but in band C it would be called General science. And band D would not even get the chance to obtain G.C.S.E for science. I to my horror found that I was being placed in Band D, my parents were not too happy either. So from my first day I worked so hard. It was understood that if you exceeded your class then on a rare occasion there was the opportunity to move up a Band. I did this and was soon moved up to Band C

Frome College felt more grown up, how wrong was I. I successfully moved up to Band C and even had a few classes with my friend Pa. But there was one class on week two on a wednesday, and a boy or should I say young man as he was the size of a man, he didn’t like me, I did nothing to him but he made my life hell through that class, so for three years I tried my hardest to avoid that class, be it by skipping class or always being ill on a wednesday. Amazingling I must have had a sign on me saying please bully me as im not very strong, I cry easily and I don’t fight. Because there was some people from Selwood school which is another middle school to which both schools mingle together at college. And two people decided not to like me from there.

It was around this time that after P.E (games) I would sometimes have to have a shower with all the other boys. This was hell for me, because I hated my body and hated my penis and was so uncomfortable with myself. And to shower with other boys as they were shouting and not too bothered who was looking at them I hid away in the corner and sometimes more often than not I wouldn’t have a shower after games.

Even my bike which was a lovely Dawes red and white mountain bike with a light 501 frame was threatened. Although I locked my bike in the bike shed with Pa’s and my other friends, it would not be unusual to find someone else's lock on my wheel too, so I was unable to leave until they unlocked it. God how I hated school all the time. And my life most of the time.

One time walking home from school, a group of classmates were making my life hell on the way home. We were walking over the bridge towards westway precinct from the side of the library. There was a trolley on the bridge from the local supermarket. They grabbed me on the bridge and said if I did not say hello to Mr. Trolley they would throw me over the bridge and into the river below. I said there was no way I was speaking to the trolley. And two of them grabbed me and forced my head inside the trolley and told me to say hello to the trolley.

I said no and they bent me over the bridge and lifted my legs up. I was scared out of my mind I knew that they would let me go and I would head straight for the water, I could break my neck, all these things were running through my mind. I was so scared I gave in to them. Then they made me push the trolley and talk to it Saying Hello Mr. Trolley and asking it questions and did it like me pushing it. All the while pushing it to the other side of the bridge. They then told the entire school the following day. This moment in my life still hurts and the people who may or may not read this you know who you are. On arriving home I was very upset and mum and dad asked me what on earth was wrong. And that I could tell them anything and we would talk about it.

I trusted them and told them about my bulling and what happened with the trolley today. My dad was disgusted on how I could be so pathetic. I was and I knew I was, but they did ask me and now dad will always know how weak I am. I cant keep this up......... being the boy everyone wants me to be. That very evening I threw all of the things I had gathered to be Kimberley, the things I had collected over the years and threw them in the bin, and tried to live life as a man. I tried so hard to never be Kimberley again. I would shake this off and be a real man.

Life broke me in two, everywhere I turn it hurts and I have given up. So I started weight lifting in my bedroom and tried to make myself stronger. I bought a weight lifting bench from mums catalogue for 100pounds.

I would train so hard in my bedroom pushing weights to build my muscle. I would lift as much as much as I could and then do 20 reps, then rest and then 10 more. Then when I couldn’t lift any more I would force myself to lift ten more. My body and arms would shake my veins would be standing out under the strain as I drank some water from a glass. I was fed up with life being unfair to me, and I would lift another 20reps and push myself over the limit. I am a nice person, I will do anything for anyone, Why do people treat me so bad. So with my body shaking from over excerting myself I would lift more weights I used to think I deserved the pain from weight lifting because I hurt so bad inside.

I have scars on some my knuckles on my left hand not by fighting as I have told some people, but I used to ride my bike along the lane leading to the bottom of our road. I would hit the wall as I passed with my fist. The pain didn’t really hurt im not sure why. But when I hear people cutting themselves I kind of understand. It means there is something that is hurting them so bad emotionally, that they have to cut themselves to see the pain and have something physical to hurt over.

If im honest towards the end of school I used to bunk off to Pa’s house and play computer games. I hated school and on the last day there was a huge assembly and we were all supposed to attend. Well we didn’t instead we headed to the park and all sat together, to look and talk about what we are going to do with our lives. It was a day I remember well because right there on that day our school had finished and our lives had only really started.

I was not sure what I was going to do for a job but I knew one thing. And I said this aloud. I am no longer going to be bullied I will be walking into a new workplace where there will be no one my age in fact I guess they would be older and im going to act tougher stand up to anybody taking the piss out of me, im no longer going to get upset. So the new Glyn starts here.

Everyone agreed that it was a new start for us all and that we would try and keep in touch.

I did think about further education not because I loved school as you already know, but I felt I could have done a lot better. I did put this to my mum and dad, But it was not received well, in fact my dad didn’t speak to me for three days. I guess he was having a bad week but I relented and said that I would go to work and earn my keep.

One night I remember thinking to myself what it must be like to be dressed as a girl outside, so knowing our next door neighbours were away on holiday for one week, I took some clothes from the airing cupboard and late when every one was in bed, I went to our outside loo, it doesn’t sound very glamours but remember my mum was a cleaner and the outside loo was clean and tidy. So I got dressed into a skirt, bra and blouse and hopped over the fence and round the back to their patio. It felt fantastic to let the skirt sway in the wind to feel it against my skin and to see the shaped blouse, I loved it and sat there most of the night watching the stars and the moon.

Now and again we used to visit my uncle Ch and auntie Ir in Yeovil, All my cousins were boys except one a girl called Hel, she is a few years older than me, but I remember walking into her bedroom. I had never been into a girls bedroom before and I fell in love with her room her walls her bed her dressing table her clothes. My mum and dad still to this day could never figure out why I used to get upset and cry when visiting Yeovil. This was because I seen Hel and her room and I wished so hard every night, every year, and every birthday that I could be a girl. And it just reminded me what I am and that I would never have these beautiful things. And that I was to lead my life from a boy to a man. She always dressed so nice and got to wear make up and perfume and just everything I wanted.

I know it sounds over the top but its all I have ever wanted, all I have dreamed about and all I have thought about every waking minute of every day of my life.

This is not something I just woke up with this morning and will go away when I go back to sleep tonight . So when my parents and Hel mum and dad used to go out to the local pub for a few drinks and Hel would baby sit. She would sometimes put makeup on Ma my younger brother, she would put eye shadow and eye liner and lipstick on him and pamper him like the younger sister she never had And I would sit on the bed wishing she would put some on me. But because I was older she never did.

One time at home, Ma was a huge Michael Jackson fan and we were going to play dress up out of some old clothes mum was going to take to a jumble sale. Mark wanted to dress as Michael Jackson and I wanted to be Tina Turner. I think at the time Michael Jackson did a duo with Tina Turner and I thought it might not sound to weird to mum. I remember standing at the top of the stairs and after Ma said Mum can I dress up as Michael Jackson I shouted down the stairs can I dress as Tina Turner, mum came to the bottom of the stairs and was quite mad and said no you can not, stop being so stupid.

I remember thinking at the time my god if mum feels like that there’s no way I was going to be able to tell her about how I feel like im a girl inside. So this has always stuck in my mind. I remember some people saying that I was a mummy’s boy and tied to the apron strings. So I tried so hard to make a thick skin and toughen up. I know I used to drive mum and dad mad because I was soft but I would like to say. I tried hard not to be a mummy’s boy and tied to the apron strings but lets say if I was a girl, would that then be ok?

Of course it would, but the whole world seen me as a boy and one day I will be a man. So I better get used to it........ and I didn’t want to. But I have too..

Oakfield school was a much bigger school than before and there was classrooms dotted all over the site. It was this age that I started to look at my teachers and what clothes they were wearing. And the girls in class. Every girl was now wearing makeup to school and little earrings and nice schoolbags. But me I again had to act like a boy, still new school new start.

No. it never works like that, somewhere there is someone who knew you at the last school, and although I had now been parted from Pa I met a boy called Te, whose house was not far from the school grounds. I guess it started ok but it quickly became bad and I was bullied again. I’m not going to go into all the details, but lets say I was threatened at school and was chased home most times after school. I started to go home a different way because they got wise to me walking through the park and would get me there. So I would go a different way every night. This kind of worked but I still became scared of walking around the corners of the corridors in school and started saying to my mum and dad I was sick and had bad ear ache. Ear ache was best excuse as you didn’t need to look ill. I would spend many a day off with ear ache.

Te was a good friend and like Pa stuck up for me now and then, and I made a few other friends but not many, I used to try and stay on late at school so not to be met by bullies on the way home, so I joined a Chess Club, I enjoyed chess and met a guy called Da who loved drawing and he and his dad owned and ran a Radio controlled car club down Vallis youth club.

If you are the same age as me you may remember a film called Karate Kid, now this is about someone who is bullied and he takes up Karate, so my parents thought me and my brother should go. We did go and from White belt we made it through orange and red and then onto yellow belt. But all this did when my classmates found out I was doing Karate was that they wanted to fight me. Show me your karate skills they would shout.

There was one time when my friend Te was having the Mickey taking out of him for being my friend and he turned on me for a while, we had a fight in the playground. And Te was hard, and I lost the fight. And he turned his back on me. I ran for him as I seen in the film but he turned round just in time to punch me straight in the eye. I had a black eye for over a week. But we made up, I never was one to hold a grudge and we became friends again.

Mum and dad asked how I got my black eye and I could see that they were kind of proud of my getting into a fight. For them it meant that I was sticking up for myself. And said wow that is a shiner (black eye) how was the other boy. Give as good as you got did you? I was a failure I wanted to make everyone proud of me but im not like this. I’m trying all my life to be someone im not and its hard pretending.

Back then I would ask myself why is it so hard to be a boy, I have the answer now, its because you were never meant to be a boy.......

There's no place like home, mum and dad, me and my brother, lived quite happy together sure mum and dad had some rows along the way mainly about money, im sure some were about me. But both my parents worked hard, my dad during the day and he was also a call out fireman. My mum would work as a cleaner and I enjoyed going with her and help her clean. I was about six or seven when I started cleaning with my mum. I used to enjoy helping her. She cleaned for a insurance company down in the town and when mum was down stairs I would find the ladies shoes under their desks. I guess looking back they used to wear say trainers to work in the morning and then put on there shoes for office wear during the day.

I would put the shoes on, I remember them being too big for me, but I would put them on and proceed to clean and polish around the office. The times I was nearly caught as mum would come up the stairs and I would put them back under the ladies desk. Upstairs was like a office and I would sometimes I would sit and draw or doodle while mum was finishing up. I would wear them at the far side of the office and kick them off if mum came to close. I would imagine I was a secretary busy working.

Then we would walk up bath street to go home I would go home and when it was time for bed I would get out of bed open my curtains to the night sky and pray so hard to god. Every night and for more years than I can remember I prayed to god that I would wake up a girl. I would shut my eyes so tight and hope that when I opened them I would be a girl.

I hated my body I hated my penis I hated my hair, and if things could not get worse I had goofy teeth. That was another nick name but again only writing this brings it back. One night I thought that maybe if I had a spell or chant I could change my body, so one night I got undressed and laid naked on my bed with the curtains open to the night sky. I came up with this chant. Its not very good but please remember I was only eight years old.

PLEASE GOD GIVE ME A WHIRL
TURN THIS BOY INTO A GIRL
PLEASE GOD GIVE ME A WHIRL
TURN THIS BOY INTO A GIRL
PLEASE GOD GIVE ME A WHIRL
TURN THIS BOY INTO A GIRL

I said this same rhyme over and over and over again and would beg that when I open my eyes my body would have changed, but when I open my eyes and see a ugly skinny boy. Nothing had changed. Now with god in my mind who makes everything right and being told that he was the reason I was here. Why couldn’t he hear me. Had I done something bad to him. Am I being punished. I didn’t understand and would continue through life watching other people being happy while I was confused.

There was one time that we were invited to go to my cousins Ri and St. They were having a birthday party for Steve and there was a girl there who I think was explained to me she was a distant cousin. She had the most beautiful party dress on, this was the first time I had seen a girl looking as I have dreamed of being and I couldn’t take me eyes off of her dress. I loved it. But I had to sit in silence as life passed me by as a boy.

That reminds me once mum invited some friends around for my birthday, and as I was about to blow out the candles on my cake, Now this was once a year where I got to make a wish. Its not like Christmas where you write to Father Christmas I mean we would write it down and mum and dad would then see the list and it was put into the fire for Father Christmas, but I was to frightened to tell them. So my birthday cake was my wish my only wish once a year. My secret wish which I didn’t have to tell anyone about. But someone blew the candles out before me. It was the little things in life and again I cried.....Mum re-lit the candles but it wasn’t the same . And whenever I hear the song its my birthday and I cry if I want to, it brings back that memory

Do you know that I have spent every wish on my birthday cakes wishing the same thing. I wish I could be a girl. And I bet if you speak to any other Transsexuals that there birthday cake blowing out the candles that every year would be the same wish. I wish I could be a girl.....

Starting this school was scary, I mean the school seemed huge and had a playground with bars around the outside it had a small playground at the front and round the back was a playground for the older children. This then lead to a garden which was really pretty and I used to imagine being in a nice dress sitting on the swing with the sun streaming through the trees. ( I always did stop and daydream) It had a foyer and cloak room a head masters office and bench outside if you have been naughty. It had a dinning hall for assembly and to eat our dinner and was also connected to the church in Frome, St Johns Church.

So many emotions were held hear and I think only other transsexuals can really understand this. I was sent to this huge school in the wrong body with the wrong sex uniform and wrong colored bag, but also knew that if I breathed one sentence that I was a girl to anyone my life may as well be over.

I tried so hard to put on a tough skin and join in but it was not me. I failed and cried, in fact I think it all being so overwhelming that on the first day I cried because I couldn’t find my peg to hang my coat. Everyone else had found there peg but I couldn’t find mine. So I ran to the teacher to hear him say stop crying you silly boy. Its amazing looking back and writing this it floods back. I remember feeling lost, confused, numb, and all the while putting on this brave face. I still remember it now all the pegs had a sticker above the peg when I looked up at mine it was a tractor. Not a fairy or a pink dress it was a red tractor. My life was wrong my body was wrong, I was being treated wrong and my voice was not brave enough to say anything.

Because I am, being silly. And I am a sissy. And I am a cry baby
Because you believe what the people say to you. And the thing is everyone was saying it my parents, my teachers, my friends. Everyone

In fact I can even remember my mum and dad calling me a cry baby and he is just very sensitive. And the famous saying, I GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT IN A MINUTE So back to school and the bullying continued and as much as Pa was my friend even he couldn’t stop all of it. I made a few other friends at this school but not many. As the school was connected to the church we used to go to church to sing songs or pray and give things for the harvest festival and Easter and was rightly or wrongly, but to young to understand, learnt all about god.

God was amazing he watched over all of us, all of the time and can see everything. He listens to our prayers, the vicar said. He went on to say that we have all been given this gift of life and god was the maker of our planet and all things good. I was taken in and although my friends would mess about I would always sit and listen.

All in all this school was a learning curve for me to try and act and portray how a boy should talk and act. I was never any good at it but considering I had a penis between my legs I was a boy and that was that.....

The only thing I did enjoy was learning, I used to sit listen to the teacher and take a lot of pride in my work, I did used to daydream out of the window about being a girl and how things would be different. Even at that age the older girls would look so pretty that I just wish I could be the same.

And then it came to me I would wish and pray every night before I go to bed, that I could wake up the following day as a girl. I would pray to god, he will hear me......

I would go to bed and then when my light was turned off by mum or dad, I would climb out of bed and drop to my knees and put my hands together to pray. I would close my eyes and hope he would hear my begs and pleas to wake as a girl. But waking the following day I was still a boy. And i would cry in bed and then have to get up and put on a brave face and face the world with a false smile.

It started to get worse at this school with name calling and kicking my bag up and down the corridor or hiding it, which lead to not wanting to go to school at all. Its bad enough being confused about being in the wrong body but to be bullied as well.

Every morning I started to hang onto every wall and every lamppost and every railing and every hedge, not to go to school. Looking back it must have been hell to get me to school. My mum deserves a medal for getting there because I didn’t want to go, I didn’t fit in, it was not me.

One day me and my friend Mat decided to run out of school. I don’t think he wanted to run out of school because of bullies as he was quite tough. But he was one of my friends and I think he hatched a plan and got me on side because he could see I didn’t want to be there either.

In that school on the second floor is a toilet, we left class and went to the toilet and opened the window. We both climbed out onto the roof which lead onto the main entrance. Climbed down and out of school. We crossed the road and went up an old path which lead uphill and towards his house. He used to have trees with nails in and we would climb up there and escape. I always liked it there because I felt like I was away from everyone else.

This didn’t last long because when we ran out of school all I kept saying from the minute we left the school premises was that this is wrong and I will be in huge trouble, I was a worrier. And when we returned I remember sitting on the bench outside the headmasters office. I was shaking so much I knew I was in trouble. I think it was a good telling off. It must have done the trick I didn’t do it again.

At the age of three my mum and dad had another boy, I remember being taken to my grans (dads mum) one day and my dad dropping me off there. My gran said to me that when daddy gets home you will have a brother or sister to play with. This was one of my earliest memories and sure enough I had a brother named Ma. I felt like I had one true friend in the world and we used to play together and were very close. In the evenings when we had been sent to our bedroom or up the wooden hill as my parents used to call it. We would take it in turns to go to each others room and one would be in bed and one sat on the bed and we would just talk and talk about anything, but never about me wanting to be a girl. Although I came close to telling him a few times through our childhood. I couldn’t understand it myself let alone try to explain it to my younger brother.

We would play in the garden and mum and dad would take us away in there caravan for weekends and I would look after my younger brother. As we got older Ma confidence grew, he was a very happy boy and seemed not to have any fear. I look back and cannot fault the way I have been brought up. I had a fantastic home life we would always have fun. My mum and dad are the sort of parents that would give me or my brother Ma the last penny out of there purse or wallet. I mean we were never rich, but everything we had was worked hard for. Looking back we had everything we could have ever wanted. I mean dad had two jobs one as a tyre fitter during the day and also being on 24 hour call out for the fire station. I loved being home but there was always something inside of me that was never truly happy. Something that was never quite right.

We lived in a council house with three bedrooms upstairs. Mine had the airing cupboard to one side. Like I said it was a happy home and when I used to get tucked into bed at night mum or dad would tuck the blankets in so tight it would be hard to move which made me feel safe and snug. The windows in the house were sash windows and had thin glass, so when the wind used to blow it would make a ghostly noise and rattle the windows. I would lay in bed and think to myself a lot and it was there in that bedroom aged about four or five that I came to me that I didn’t want to be a boy anymore. Not because of the bullies, because it had not really started to get nasty yet, but I know in my heart I wanted to have long hair to wear pretty clothes and that I belonged to the softer side of life.

So one evening I was feeling alone, I must have been about five years old now, and I went to the airing cupboard, where I found all the clean washing. I picked up one of my mums skirts and tried it on. I swished around my bedroom with the skirt flowing after me. I remember it being too big for me, but they had a very pretty table cloth which was quite small, white and had flowers on it. I put it around my waist like a towel and tucked it in and I would wear it like a skirt and would sit and read a book or play with my toys and that was when I knew that I was born in the wrong body.

I was five years old and knew that somebody had got it wrong and that I was not supposed to be a boy that I was a girl and wanted to dress and be treated like a girl. I mean at this age I had no idea that god existed. Who is god and more to the point who am I ??

My nursery school is a lovely place near Frome hospital, its a small kind of church hall which has a car park to the side and a play area out the back which was always remember being sunny. The sun came up in behind the nursery and looking back I can remember the sun shining through the trees.

When I started Nursery everything was fine to start with, I enjoyed playing with the water wheels and sand pit which was located at the back of the school and all the toys inside the building. My teacher was Mrs. Copley and she was lovely. A slightly overweight, kind hearted woman with a warm glow. I’m told she still to this day, bumps into my mum and asks how I am. It was at nursery that I first realised that I didn’t quite fit in.

I met my best friend Pa there. He was sat on the dumper truck and he asked me to push him round on it. I remember at that time not wanting to push him round but I did. I wanted to play with the water and sand and toys and play nicely not race around the floor on a dumper truck. But he became my friend to play with and still to this day is a close friend.

But as time went by even at nursery a pecking order was taking place. I was a very shy boy and would cry very easily. The only place in the world I felt safe was at home with my parents and in my bedroom. It doesn’t take long for other children to see something different whether it would be how you hold yourself, talk, act or walk, I don’t know but children sense something is different a lot quicker than adults and seeing me I was a easy target. I had feelings from this age of just three I didn’t want to play with other boys as all they did was play rough or play soldier or argue and fight. That wasn’t me.

As time went by at nursery I knew something was wrong, I didn’t want to play like the boys I wanted to play with the girls. I used to get upset really easily with the boys in the class. I became known as cry baby and sissy and one hundred other names which I have done well to forget. It reached a point where I would hate, well hate is a bit strong (that comes later) I mean the milk and cookies were nice and Mrs. Copley was nice but I was not a boy, didn’t want to be a boy, didn’t want to play with boys, and didn’t want to do boys things. And this was at this age.

Of course my mum would have seen this, I mean it got to the stage that I didn’t want to go to nursery. And this is where I started to notice the sun because I remember walking down the lane past the scrap yard towards the nursery, that the sun was always behind me and vivid memories of not wanting to go. The sun would always be there to greet me as we left for school in the morning it was like a new sun was shining into our kitchen and was lighting up our home warm and was welcoming, and I had to turn my back to the sun to walk down that lane to a place I didn’t fit in.

Maybe me kicking up in the mornings, mum may have mentioned this to my dad but I was their first son and I was told to stop being a cry baby and pull yourself together, to others, mum would say he's just very sensitive and shy. I wasn’t sure at the time, I mean I had Paul there and he was my friend, I didn’t have any other friends and the bullying was not that bad there. I know it was because I wanted to be a girl.

I was born on the 5th of May 1974, I believe it was around 3am in the morning. And so im told I woke the entire ward on my arrival. But it was not as straight forward as you first might think.

My mum was taken to Frome Victoria Hospital by ambulance and my dad a fireman, had been called to the station for a fire that evening at a local farm. While he was there trying to get the fire under control, in Frome Hospital I was being born but during the delivery they found that the umbilical cord had somehow wrapped around my neck and so my mum was urgently told to stop.

Another ambulance was called and my mum and I was rushed to Bath Royal United Hospital. Mean while my dad phoned fire control to find out how my mum was getting on knowing already that she was in Frome Hospital, and then learning the news of complications and that we had been rushed to Bath hospital. My dad told the Chief that he can stick his fire and was going to Bath hospital.

The chief said to my dad well I’ll drive you there in the fire jeep with the horns and lights going. That way we will be there in a little over ten minutes. My dad agreed and so with the blues and twos going they raced to the hospital, and on arriving at the hospital, my dad was told he couldn’t possibly go into the delivery room dressed in full fire fighting kit. And had to have a shower and dress in full greens (doctors uniform) before he could go in.

So with my dad now at my mums side the umbilical cord was carefully taken from around my neck, my mum tells me that while delivering me the nurse said what ever the sex it has lovely long dark hair. And so I was born and put into a cot.

Everything was fine and I was sleeping like a baby but ....

Within a few hours I came out in a rash all over my body. The doctors approached my dad and told him the news, he took a look and said are those wool blankets?. The doctor yes why?. My dad replied because if he is like me he would be allergic to wool. And so the wool blankets was taken away and replaced with nylon ones. And sure enough I was fine.

So there I was, alive and a healthy Baby Boy..................

Before I was born I remember standing in a queue nervous and excited about my new life and adventure. I remember standing with male friends as we made our way to the front. I remember all the men were on the right and women only a few meters away on the left.
I can remember thinking to myself I should be in the female queue, but I was worried what my male friends would say and was not bold enough to say anything. We continued forward. As the women were all talking and excited and the men stood still and hardly talking at all I looked across wanting to swap ques.

We kept edging forward towards a man who was in the middle of both ques with a old book on a pedestal. The man was around sixty years old with long white hair and a long white beard, thinking back he may have been older, but he took his job very seriously. As we get closer I can see what I can only describe as a, well its not a door that you walk though or a vertical pool like in Star gate. But like, this is going to sound weird but like a water shoot but no water.

As each person approaches him, he makes notes before leaving for our new life and nods in agreement and the person disappears..... It all gets a bit vague now but I know in my heart that I was there and remember even then at that point I was in the wrong body.

Now this maybe is something that has come to me either daydreaming (although I cant remember making this up) or in a dream at a early age but now im thirty three years old it still seems very real to me and I believe this did happen just before I was born. I can remember standing there before embarking on my new life. And it is as clear as yesterday. Maybe I have convinced myself that this happened, but its been very vivid for so long I just had to mention this because to me this is how my life started.

I would like to say a few things to different people before you turn any more pages of this book.

If you are someone who is reading this because you know someone who has Gender dysphoria, please remember that this person has gone through hell to reach a point where he or she has no choice to tell you. In fact life for them has been like Jackie and Hyde and now they have reached a point where they can no longer hide their true selves. This has now reached a point of them needing to seek help and support from there family. The person you know will not change as a person. If you are friends with them then you will see a person become so much more happier unfold in front your eyes because they are finally no longer having to pretend to be something they are not. I grant you that this will not be easy, but this person has no choice. Certainly for me it was live as the person I see I really am or no longer live at all.

To the mums and dads and brothers and sisters of the transgendered. It will be hard to see the boy or girl you know and love become a member of the opposite sex. And again I must stress that he or she has spent not weeks or months but years trying to figure out first themselves and then pluck up the courage to tell their parents and family members. They will worry about being disowned and bringing shame onto the family. This is not something that they have chosen. They have to find themselves and run the course of time to find there happiness. I know you may feel that all of a sudden you no longer know your son or daughter but they will not change in character, they are still that same person. Its just now you will see a happier one.

To friends, this is a tough one because sometimes the people who you think would have a problem will be so understanding and the ones you think would understand sometimes don’t. I’m not saying this is true in every case. But remember good friends will stick by you. Also you are friends with person because you like there personality and presence. You must share certain likes and dislikes none of this will change as the person will be still your friend just in a different shell.

To the people who don’t understand, My book hopefully, if you give it a chance, will give you an insight from their point of view. And in giving this book a chance you may understand at least where this person has come from and where they are going.

From me to you, I have spent all my life in the wrong body. I lived through my childhood pretending to be something im not, and then on through my teens to marriage. I have tried to be the person that matches my body in work and play but all along the way my life has become one big act. From the start until now. Now I cant say all of my life because it is mixed up with real emotions and paths I have chosen and I have met some wonderful people and made some fantastic friends along the way. I have also been lucky and found my soul mate so maybe the balance of life the ying the yang is true. I have had a tough time and some good times along the way. I feel the bad times make you a better person and a stronger person and I know that this journey is not a easy one. I would be a fool if I thought it was. But if you want something so much, I believe you can achieve anything, I can only hope this is true.

As for me i hope for all my wishes on every birthday when blowing out the candles on my birthday cake. All I ask is, Can wishes come true??

Here is my Story.

Dedication

I owe one lady my life.
This lady has stood by me through thick and thin and believe me when I say she has been to hell and back with me. I became a monster through drink, depressed through life, and have had days where my whole being was broken in two. But this lady stayed with me, put up with my drinking and undressed me when I was drunk and stood by me in my darkest hours. I have shared this woman’s troubles and have also brought my own, and together we have fought the world. She has not had the best childhood herself and together we talk of secret things we went through and together we have built our lives.

This wonderful woman’s name is Tr, Daughter of Jo and Ad her step dad, daughter of Ro and Pa her step mum. And im very proud to say wife of Glyn.

I would give my life for Tr and from the first night of meeting her I fell in love. From a crowded room to the first intimate touch I love Tr with all my heart and all my body and all my soul. You truly are my soul mate and no mater how my body changes my heart will always be yours.

Please try and think that my hands will always be Glyns and my breath and warmth will always be you husbands and most of all, I will love and cherish you in sickness and health, till death us do part.

I love you Tr and always will

G n T forever.

Love your husband, Glyn x

Living a Lie or Telling the Truth
Which is Harder ??
By Kimberley Tiffany Eden

Dedication
Foreword
Chapter one Vision. Aged
Chapter two My Birth. 1974 Aged 0
Chapter three Nursery. 1978 Aged 4
Chapter four Homelife 1978 - 1979 Aged 4 - 5
Chapter five St Johns School 1978 - 1983 Aged 4 - 9
Chapter six Homelife 1979 - 1983 Aged 4 - 9
Chapter seven Oakfield school 1983 - 1987 Aged 9 - 13 Chapter eight Homelife 1983 - 1987 Aged 9 - 13 Chapter nine Frome College 1987 - 1990 Aged 13 - 16
Chapter ten Homelife 1987 - 1990 Aged 13 - 16
Chapter eleven Brewis Engineering 1990 - 1996 Aged 16 - 22
Chapter twelve Homelife 1990 - 1996 Aged 16 - 22
Chapter thirt Thomson M/c Tool 1996 - 2000 Aged 22 - 26
Chapter fourt Homelife 1996 2000 Aged 22 - 26
Chapter fitht Stag Dou 1999 Aged 25
Chapter sixteen Wedding 1999 - 2000 Aged 25
Chapter sevent Back to School 2000 - 2000 Aged 26 - 27
Chapter eighte Suicide 2000 - 2005 Aged 26 - 31
Chapter ninete Work part one 2000 - 2005 Aged 26 - 31
Chapter twenty Homelife 2000 - 2005 Aged 26 - 31
Chapter twenty1 Email 2005 - 2007 Aged 31 - 33
Chapter twenty2 1st Trip London 2006 - 2006 Aged 32
Chapter twenty3 Out of the Closet 2006 - 2006 Aged 32
Chapter twenty4 Work part two 2006 - 2007 Aged 31 - 33
Chapter twenty5 Homelife 2005 - 2007 Aged 31 - 33
Chapter twenty6 2nd Trip London 2007 - Aged 32
Chapter twenty7 I tell my Mum and Dad 2007 - Aged 32
Chapter twenty8 Laser Treatment 2007 - Aged 33
Chapter twenty9 Change my name 2007 - Aged 33
Chapter thirty 3rd Trip to London 2007 - Aged 33
Chapter thirty1 Work part three 2007 - Aged 33
Chapter thirty2 Working as Kimberley 2007 - Aged 33
Chapter thirty3 Body changes 2007 - Aged 33
Chapter thirty4 Circle of Friends 2007 - Aged 33
Chapter thirty5 Living as Kimberley 2008 - Aged 33
Chapter thirty6 More to Come............2008 - Aged 33
Chapter thirty7 Family Business 2008 - Aged 33
Chapter thirty8 The End 2008 - Age?